More Incoherent Parenting Thoughts

Otherwise entitle: I am feeling philosphical lately so bear with me

Attachment parenting (AP) with a new baby is easy. Now before some of you AP mommas throw things at me, hear me out. In the midst of it, especially with your first child, it can feel anything but easy. Trust me, I know. But think about it. As a new momma, attachment parenting seemed to me to be pretty straightforward. Babywear, Breastfeed, Bed close to baby (otherise known as cosleeping) on through the list of what Dr. Sears called the Seven Baby B's. It's a neat and orderly checklist. If you are ever feeling doubtful, or guilty, or overwhelemed, or any other "mom" emotion, you can just review the list...

Am I nursing my baby on demand... check
Am I cosleeping.... check
Do I wear my baby... check

Whew! You can begin to relax into a sort of self-satisfied state. Your guilt eases just a bit as you remember that even if you are messing things up, you're still doing better than the mom's who aren't trying.

WHAT?!?!?! Did I just say that out loud? In those days of newborn-induced sleep deprivation, thoughts like these can be all that keep you going (or maybe it really is just me... I could totally be projecting here)

Gosh, there are so many issues wrapped up in that whole scenario. First, when did mothering become a competitive sport? I was the most obnoxious first time mom... completely convinced that I knew the way and completely intolerant of anyone who disagreed with me. The good thing was, folks seldom disagreed with me. No one wants to pick a fight with someone as passionate as I was about any number of hot topics... extended nursing, cosleeping, etc.

I was a total control freak about my baby...
I didn't want other people to hold him. I was never going to let the evil chemicals of a disposable diaper touch his pristine baby bottom. Nothing but organic, whole foods would ever be good enough for him. My child would never cry himself to sleep alone in his own room. I was never going to let him cry or hurt, and certainly never at my hands. And of course, I knew the way. I had the list!

Now, before I get hate mail, I do still value all of those things. I now have three children, and we are still a cloth diapering, cosleeping, extended nursing, babywearing family. I still try hard to feed my kids organic healthy whole foods. I struggle every day to be the gentle parent I believe they deserve. I am pretty sure I am still just as passionate about all of those things. I am just much less obnoxious and much more tolerant (for those of you just meeting me, YES... this IS the less obnoxious version... consider yourself lucky). And I do realize that there is a whole lot more to AP than "the list" (see APIs 8 Principles)... all about being responsive and reading your baby and all... but with a new baby... it really seemed to me that "the list" held the magic key to doing those things.

But really, my original point was meant to be that, while I think attachment parenting with a small baby is (relatively) easy, it feels dang near impossible with my older kids. And that is partly because there is no list. It is much harder to me to meet the needs of a six year old than of a baby. A six year old's cries can't always be solved with a cuddle or a clean diaper or something to fill his belly. Sometimes his cries are because the boy that he looked up to at the playground told him, "I hate you". Sometimes his cries are because he is worried about war, or strangers, or death. I feel woefully unprepared for this. And now, wants and needs are no longer the same. A baby is hungry and wants milk. This is a need. My four year old is hungry, and wants candy for dinner. This is not a need. But maybe it feels like that.

I have had to venture out from "the list". I have had to step away from the neat and orderly checklist to a place where I have to rely on my own instincts. I am now working in the realm of faith, where I have to believe that I am doing the best job I can to connect with my children; Where one solution does not apply to all children, or even to the same child all the time; Where I can no longer check boxes but have to check my heart and be honest about whether or not I am really doing what I believe in.

Because I believe that my children are people, that their feelings matter, that they have value. I believe in creating a family-centered, rather than a child-centered environment. I believe in a child's inherent dignity as a spiritual being. I believe that peaceful, non-coercive parenting is possible. I believe that it is really hard, and that I may never really reach that point. I believe that my struggle to reach that point is valuable. I believe that my children are worth that struggle.

Incoherent Thoughts on Parenting

Otherwise entitled: Trying to pin down my own thoughts

What if it doesn't matter at all what parenting method you choose? I can probably rest assured that no matter what philosophy I subscribe to there will still be conflict, there will be the inevitable differences of opinion that arise between any two (or more) people who live under one roof. So the question for me then becomes whether it's worth the effort to choose the seemingly harder path of peaceful conflict resolution.

I do think that in many ways it would be easier to be a very authoritarian (authoritative? I can never keep those straight) parent. It is tempting to set up a system where the kids JUST LISTEN. Sometimes "Yes Ma'am" seem like the most beautiful words in the English language. But then my next question is always, at what cost? I DO want my kids to listen... to ME. I don't want them to follow others blindly, to be afraid to question, respectfully of course, those who are in authority. I want them to feel free to have their own thoughts and opinions, and to never think it's okay for someone to hurt them.

Which brings me around to the next thought. How could *I* be the one to hurt them? Because spanking or other physical punishment is hurtful. My anger is hurtful. My yelling is hurtful. But so is ignoring their needs in favor of my own when it has just been one of those days. But where is the line between letting them run wild, and stifling them into conformity? Can I say yes more without making them feel entitled? How important is conformity, anyway? How important is forcing MY agenda as compared to theirs?

That is another key aspect for me. How can I keep my own ego out of the way? I have a tendency to want to pick a parenting philosophy, absorb it fully, and do it "right"... to follow someone else's instructions without considering my own kids. Somedays it does just seem easier to follow directions. Is this a constitutional weakness? It's exactly the kind of thinking that I want my kids to avoid. Or maybe it's just desperate grasping... a hope and a prayer that if I just do it right, if I follow all the rules as laid out by someone who has never met me or my children, then surely we never have any further conflict. But then, didn't I start this off saying conflict was inevitable?