More Incoherent Parenting Thoughts

Otherwise entitle: I am feeling philosphical lately so bear with me

Attachment parenting (AP) with a new baby is easy. Now before some of you AP mommas throw things at me, hear me out. In the midst of it, especially with your first child, it can feel anything but easy. Trust me, I know. But think about it. As a new momma, attachment parenting seemed to me to be pretty straightforward. Babywear, Breastfeed, Bed close to baby (otherise known as cosleeping) on through the list of what Dr. Sears called the Seven Baby B's. It's a neat and orderly checklist. If you are ever feeling doubtful, or guilty, or overwhelemed, or any other "mom" emotion, you can just review the list...

Am I nursing my baby on demand... check
Am I cosleeping.... check
Do I wear my baby... check

Whew! You can begin to relax into a sort of self-satisfied state. Your guilt eases just a bit as you remember that even if you are messing things up, you're still doing better than the mom's who aren't trying.

WHAT?!?!?! Did I just say that out loud? In those days of newborn-induced sleep deprivation, thoughts like these can be all that keep you going (or maybe it really is just me... I could totally be projecting here)

Gosh, there are so many issues wrapped up in that whole scenario. First, when did mothering become a competitive sport? I was the most obnoxious first time mom... completely convinced that I knew the way and completely intolerant of anyone who disagreed with me. The good thing was, folks seldom disagreed with me. No one wants to pick a fight with someone as passionate as I was about any number of hot topics... extended nursing, cosleeping, etc.

I was a total control freak about my baby...
I didn't want other people to hold him. I was never going to let the evil chemicals of a disposable diaper touch his pristine baby bottom. Nothing but organic, whole foods would ever be good enough for him. My child would never cry himself to sleep alone in his own room. I was never going to let him cry or hurt, and certainly never at my hands. And of course, I knew the way. I had the list!

Now, before I get hate mail, I do still value all of those things. I now have three children, and we are still a cloth diapering, cosleeping, extended nursing, babywearing family. I still try hard to feed my kids organic healthy whole foods. I struggle every day to be the gentle parent I believe they deserve. I am pretty sure I am still just as passionate about all of those things. I am just much less obnoxious and much more tolerant (for those of you just meeting me, YES... this IS the less obnoxious version... consider yourself lucky). And I do realize that there is a whole lot more to AP than "the list" (see APIs 8 Principles)... all about being responsive and reading your baby and all... but with a new baby... it really seemed to me that "the list" held the magic key to doing those things.

But really, my original point was meant to be that, while I think attachment parenting with a small baby is (relatively) easy, it feels dang near impossible with my older kids. And that is partly because there is no list. It is much harder to me to meet the needs of a six year old than of a baby. A six year old's cries can't always be solved with a cuddle or a clean diaper or something to fill his belly. Sometimes his cries are because the boy that he looked up to at the playground told him, "I hate you". Sometimes his cries are because he is worried about war, or strangers, or death. I feel woefully unprepared for this. And now, wants and needs are no longer the same. A baby is hungry and wants milk. This is a need. My four year old is hungry, and wants candy for dinner. This is not a need. But maybe it feels like that.

I have had to venture out from "the list". I have had to step away from the neat and orderly checklist to a place where I have to rely on my own instincts. I am now working in the realm of faith, where I have to believe that I am doing the best job I can to connect with my children; Where one solution does not apply to all children, or even to the same child all the time; Where I can no longer check boxes but have to check my heart and be honest about whether or not I am really doing what I believe in.

Because I believe that my children are people, that their feelings matter, that they have value. I believe in creating a family-centered, rather than a child-centered environment. I believe in a child's inherent dignity as a spiritual being. I believe that peaceful, non-coercive parenting is possible. I believe that it is really hard, and that I may never really reach that point. I believe that my struggle to reach that point is valuable. I believe that my children are worth that struggle.

Incoherent Thoughts on Parenting

Otherwise entitled: Trying to pin down my own thoughts

What if it doesn't matter at all what parenting method you choose? I can probably rest assured that no matter what philosophy I subscribe to there will still be conflict, there will be the inevitable differences of opinion that arise between any two (or more) people who live under one roof. So the question for me then becomes whether it's worth the effort to choose the seemingly harder path of peaceful conflict resolution.

I do think that in many ways it would be easier to be a very authoritarian (authoritative? I can never keep those straight) parent. It is tempting to set up a system where the kids JUST LISTEN. Sometimes "Yes Ma'am" seem like the most beautiful words in the English language. But then my next question is always, at what cost? I DO want my kids to listen... to ME. I don't want them to follow others blindly, to be afraid to question, respectfully of course, those who are in authority. I want them to feel free to have their own thoughts and opinions, and to never think it's okay for someone to hurt them.

Which brings me around to the next thought. How could *I* be the one to hurt them? Because spanking or other physical punishment is hurtful. My anger is hurtful. My yelling is hurtful. But so is ignoring their needs in favor of my own when it has just been one of those days. But where is the line between letting them run wild, and stifling them into conformity? Can I say yes more without making them feel entitled? How important is conformity, anyway? How important is forcing MY agenda as compared to theirs?

That is another key aspect for me. How can I keep my own ego out of the way? I have a tendency to want to pick a parenting philosophy, absorb it fully, and do it "right"... to follow someone else's instructions without considering my own kids. Somedays it does just seem easier to follow directions. Is this a constitutional weakness? It's exactly the kind of thinking that I want my kids to avoid. Or maybe it's just desperate grasping... a hope and a prayer that if I just do it right, if I follow all the rules as laid out by someone who has never met me or my children, then surely we never have any further conflict. But then, didn't I start this off saying conflict was inevitable?

Kids Are People, Too!

I took the kids to the zoo yesterday. Just me, with all three little ones. And we had such a nice time! Really! If you had asked me about this even earlier in the day, I would have said you were crazy... there was no way I was going to take all the kids (like we have SO many) anywhere alone. But I got inspired around lunch time, and off we went. And we really enjoyed ourselves. We picnicked, saw the animals, followed the map, went to the children's area, and enjoyed the sunshine and each other.

I think sometimes I have it in my head that my kids are somehow little beings that need to be managed. Like I need to work extra hard because I am not only doing my own thing, but controlling all these other people, too. Yesterday was one of those days that reminded me that my children are actually little people, not projects, and you know what, they're good company, too! I was able to just relax, give up my illusion of control, and really enjoy hanging out with three interesting people.

I'm feeling rather inarticulate this morning, and this post isn't coming off quite as eloquent as it was in my head. It's hard to capture the emotion and the meaning in something as simple as taking the kids to the zoo. But that's okay, too. Because I'm realizing that it really isn't all about me anyway.

Here are a few pictures I took with my phone during our little adventure.

J hiding in a tunnel in the children's area, pretending to be a turtle

J and W playing store

K posing for the camera

W playing in the stream

No Deep Thoughts Today...

I am just too tired :)

W is STILL boycotting sleep. Owl Poppa got up with W at 6:45 this morning, and I got to sleep in until 9:30! Amazing! Not that Owl Poppa got up with the kids (he is so great about that), but that I had all that time, in bed, by MYSELF!!!!!! And then I made a big breakfast (brunch, really) and stayed in my pajamas until after noon. So, I am still tired, but have a somewhat sunnier outlook.

In fact, while washing up brunch dishes, in my pajamas, I was a little overcome with how lucky and blessed I am. W (not in the least bit tired, mind you) was playing with his firetruck on the floor; K was sitting on the couch reading a book; J was at the coffee table playing with his playmobil. Owl Poppa and I were in the kitchen... I was washing up the dishes and he was cooking up the last of the pancake batter. It was one of those rare moments where everyone was happy and content and quiet. We were really quite the picture of domestic bliss. I had to stop what I was doing, and just take a deep breath and smile. It was all so sweet and was glad to have a chance to stop and savor it.

While it lasted. Because anyone who has spent any time with my little owls knows it didn't last long :)

Why This Blog

I always envy those other mommas who can raise healthy and happy kids, and find time to blog about it, too (with pictures, even). I have (what I hope is) typical non-blogger envy of all the bloggers I know. So, I am creating my own little blog. Maybe one day I'll even tell folks about it. My hope is to have a place to share some of my general thoughts on general things, and to capture some of the moments we share during our homeshcooling days. For posterity and all that. But really, I just want to be able to say I have a blog :)

I know there are all sorts of rules of etiquette and codes of conduct and what-not for blogdom... I know none of these, nor do I care to learn. This is my little piece of the blog world, so I suppose it is only fair for me to create my own rules for it. (To quote the little owls, "It's mine, so I make the rules of it!") So if things don't seem exactly like you'd expect, that's probably what you should expect. I imagine things will be rough around the edges untilI figure out this whole blogger thing... if you somehow managed to find this blog, and even came back for updates, bear with me if things seem to be a work in progress. They are.